I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
