So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
