sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
