I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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