I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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