Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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