i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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