Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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