i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
