You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
