I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
