omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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