doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
