there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
