you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
