So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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