we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
