mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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