Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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