Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
