If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
