I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
