I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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