I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
