I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
