Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
