I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
