My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
