I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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