grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
