just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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