since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
