Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
FUCK WHALES
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