Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
