I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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