Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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