the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
