He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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