Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
