I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
