I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's shark week go big or go home
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
