She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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