I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
