Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.