between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My vagina is very pro this idea