I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
