I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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