If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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