I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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