Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
