I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
