I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
