I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
