party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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