sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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