my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can I color on your dick again?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
