through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
