I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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