The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
