i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
