1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
